How Childhood Programming Shapes How We Hear and Speak Love

The splintering of my toy gun under my father’s deliberate destruction wasn’t just about breaking a cherished possession. It was about breaking spirit, about demonstrating that joy itself was a privilege I didn’t deserve. His words cut deeper than the physical act: “Who do you think you are? You won’t amount to a hill of beans.” These weren’t just casual comments – they were programming, deep coding that would affect how I would interpret words and worth for decades to come.

Words have power to create or destroy, to breathe life or speak death. Scripture tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). For those of us who survived childhood abuse, certain phrases become triggers that can transport us instantly back to places of pain: “After all I’ve done for you…” “Who do you think you are?” “You’ll never amount to anything.”

The programming runs deep. Even now, decades later, certain words or phrases can activate old survival responses. A simple “What’s wrong?” can trigger panic. “We need to talk” can send us spiraling into performance mode. Our brains, programmed by trauma, interpret even neutral statements through the lens of past pain.

Yet Jesus shows us a different way of using words in service and love. When He washed His disciples’ feet – perhaps the ultimate act of servant love – His words matched His actions. He didn’t say, “After all I’ve done for you…” Instead, He said, “I have given you an example” (John 13:15). He didn’t use His service as a weapon or His words as chains.

Consider how Jesus spoke to those He served:

• To the woman caught in adultery: “Neither do I condemn you” (John 8:11)
• To the paralytic: “Take heart, son” (Matthew 9:2)
• To His disciples: “I have called you friends” (John 15:15)

His words built up rather than tore down. Even in correction, His goal was restoration, not shame. He spoke truth, but always in love.

This understanding transforms how we view servant love. True service isn’t accompanied by words that diminish or control. It doesn’t come with verbal hooks or subtle reminders of obligation. When Jesus served, His words created freedom, not bondage.

For those of us programmed to hear threat in certain phrases, learning to receive and speak words differently becomes part of our healing journey. We must learn to:

• Recognize when our programming is interpreting neutral words as threats
• Understand that not all questions carry hidden accusations
• Accept that some words of appreciation don’t come with hooks
• Believe that we can speak truth without fear of punishment

Scripture reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). This isn’t just about avoiding negative speech – it’s about actively choosing words that bring life.

The transformation begins with recognizing how deeply words have shaped us. Those childhood phrases that programmed unworthiness, that taught us love had to be earned, that convinced us joy was dangerous – they don’t have to define our present or future. We can learn to hear and speak love differently.

Jesus demonstrated that servant love speaks life, not death. His words created space for growth rather than shame, encouraged rather than belittled, lifted up rather than tore down. Even when addressing sin or failure, His words pointed toward redemption rather than condemnation.

As we learn to serve authentically, we must be mindful of our words. Are we using language that creates freedom or bondage? Are our words building up or tearing down? Are we speaking from our healing or our wounding?

The journey toward freedom includes learning to:

• Speak truth without fear
• Offer encouragement without manipulation
• Express needs without shame
• Share feelings without expecting punishment
• Give appreciation without creating obligation

Remember: Our words have power. They can perpetuate old patterns of performance-based love, or they can create new pathways of authentic connection. They can reinforce chains of shame, or they can unlock doors to freedom.

Choose words that give life. Speak truth in love. Let your service be accompanied by language that builds up rather than tears down. This is part of breaking free from performance-based love and learning to serve as Christ served – with words and actions that create freedom rather than bondage.

“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).