How Our Past Shapes Our Understanding of Servant Love

The sound of shattering glass as my father threw his plate against the wall wasn’t just about dinner being late. It was about dominance, about demonstrating that love meant control and service meant submission. His actions spoke volumes: “Love is earned through obedience.” These weren’t just displays of anger – they were lessons that would distort my understanding of love and service for years to come.

Love has the power to liberate or imprison, to nurture or destroy.  Scripture tells us, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). For those of us who witnessed love twisted into control, genuine expressions of servant love can trigger memories of manipulation: “I’m only doing this because I love you…” “If you loved me, you would…” “Love means doing what I say.”

The conditioning runs deep. Even now, years later, acts of loving service can activate old defense mechanisms. A simple “Let me care for you” can trigger suspicion. “I want to help because I love you” can send us spiraling into fears of obligation. Our hearts, programmed by past experiences, interpret even genuine expressions of love through the lens of control.

Yet Christ shows us a different way of loving through service. When He washed His disciples’ feet – a profound demonstration of servant love – His actions flowed from pure love. He didn’t say, “Now you must love me back.” Instead, He showed how love serves without demanding return. He didn’t use His loving service as a tool of manipulation or His actions as chains.

Consider how Christ demonstrated servant love: • To the broken: He loved without requiring perfection • To the outcast: He served without demanding worthiness • To His beloved: He gave without expecting repayment

His love lifted up rather than held down. Even in guidance, His goal was to express love, not gain control. He served in truth, but always through love.

This understanding transforms how we view servant love. True loving service isn’t a means of gaining control. It doesn’t come with hidden agendas or subtle expectations. When Christ loved through service, His actions created freedom, not obligation.

For those of us programmed to see love as manipulation, learning to give and receive servant love becomes part of our healing journey. We must learn to: • Recognize when our past is interpreting loving service as control • Understand that genuine love serves without strings • Accept that true servant love empowers rather than diminishes • Believe that we can love through service without seeking power

Scripture reminds us, “Love is patient, love is kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). This isn’t just about performing acts of service – it’s about actively choosing to love through service in ways that bring freedom.

The transformation begins with recognizing how deeply our past experiences have shaped us. Those childhood lessons that taught us love meant control, that convinced us service was submission – they don’t have to define our present or future. We can learn to express and receive love differently.

Christ demonstrated that servant love creates freedom, not control. His loving service created space for growth rather than dependency, empowered rather than diminished, cherished rather than owned. Even when providing guidance, His love pointed toward liberation rather than manipulation.

As we learn to love authentically through service, we must be mindful of our hearts. Are our actions expressing love or seeking control? Is our service building up or holding down? Are we loving from our healing or our wounding?

The journey toward freedom includes learning to: • Love through service without expecting returns • Care without manipulation • Give without conditions • Support with pure love • Serve from a heart of genuine love

Remember: Our servant love has power. It can perpetuate old patterns of control-based relationships, or it can create new pathways of authentic connection. It can reinforce chains of dependency, or it can unlock doors to freedom.

Choose love that liberates. Serve from love. Let your actions be guided by a heart that seeks to express genuine love rather than gain control. This is part of breaking free from conditional love and learning to love as Christ loved – with actions that create freedom rather than bondage.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).